You have to be the change in your life

I'm not sure who that quote is by but today I'm going to do as it says.
I'm taking Seanna to the beach for her first time.
First we have to go get her a swim suit, but we're finally going to the beach.. alone because no one ever wants to go or bails on me. I'm looking forward to it.
If you want your life to change, you have to be the chang in your life
I'll post picture tonight

blood shot eyes

im going to pop an ambien and try to sleep this head cold away. If he calls tell him im out piss drunk falling all over some other dude

wake me when its over..life i mean

why cant I use my depression for something better/other than being depressed. Being depressed sometimes helps me write with more flavors but why cant I want to clean like crazy when I'm depressed, or put it to some other usefulness. why why why why why. Why doesn't he know that I'm here depressed crying and part of the reason is because of him, because he's out, at a club for god sakes, while he's trying to make me impressed or jealous or whatever the hell he's purposely doing to make my stomach sick, my stomach is already sick, I'm already jealous but I'm definitely not impressed. I'm hurting, I'm hurting because of you. You you you you you I'm the victim of your abuse. Normally I heal my cuts and my once tough skin is tough again and then my depression warps to anger in my only defense, being strong. But tonight the depression isn't subsiding. So I'll listen to sad music to arouse sad feelings and after my tears with follow. My life is too predicatble and I think thats what wrong right now. wow.. I just figured it out. If he'd kiss my lips, I'd taste your mouth

Today

I took seanna to the park today for her first time and she very quickly decided that she was not very fond of the grass

"sigh"

I am so bored.
and dissatisfied, and frustrated with everyone pretty much! I'm loosing my bestfriend to her stupid marriage because she doesn't know how to stand up for our friendship or HERSELF! Him, always trying to make me jealous and I'm fucking sick of it. I hate Hawaii so so so so much. MY friends are all growing distant and I'm feeling even more alone than i had before. I'm starting to develop a problem with spending money because its like something I control and am in charge of . I need a job i really do...no i dont need anything I'm completely content. No I'm not. I'm tired of being so tough, why cant someone just condole me. My life is just going to keep being disappointed unless i do something bout it but no one else wants to make an effort either like hanging out with old friends. You cant just tell them you want to hang out they have to show up or call or text so you can hang out. Grrrrr I hate this chapter in my life right now

Dr. Pepper

Has evolved into many great things over the years, such as its flavored being screwed around with like when they introduced Cherry Vanilla Dr pepper when i personally think they only invent the new flavors particularly for the Diet drinkers to disguise the bitter taste of diet soda. But recently for the people who are soda drinkers they out did themselves again. Meet the monster of all Dr. Peppers. Yes that's right 16oz of fizzy goodness. I was quite amazed myself when i saw this because my baby sister and I had been conversing about a week before we discovered this saying that they should make a larger can of soda like the size of the Arizona green teas or an energy and thus they heard out wishes from the Dr. pepper heavens (like other numerous times involving other random subjects) and the most soda was out a few weeks later. With still yes the same amazing and individual 23 rocking flavors that get me through my roughest days. This is sure to take care of your lagging caffeine supply if you just so happen to be running short or need that instant fix. I think this is a rather generous amount of Dr. pepper but Ive also been in that situation before where one can just wasn't enough, so this nifty invention did have me pleased. Its also pretty cute if you ask me. I've been a devoted DP drinker since i can remember i just sometimes prefer something different depending on what I'm eating. Monster energy drink did try to outdo them by making a like 32oz can which is just ridiculous, I'm not sure who would want to drink so much of such a substance as that. The only 32oz i can handle is Power-C Vitamin water but nothing else. Well evidently it is now 3:18 am and I've got my weekly does of insomnia. I was going to take ambien just for the fun of it but I'm pretty sure it would just knock me out cold and probably good into the morning too. Anyway I had been meaning to put this blog up for weeks the pictures are even old so I'm glad I've had my attack of insomnia. Although this is really something i wanted to keep up to date to have one day to look back on. I love writing, but it takes a good heart ache or a good lovin to get me really really writing...or i just have to be willing to do so and open my heart and let it be vulnerable to all things in its way, which i almost always already feel that way without even allowing myself to be or without being willing, I'm just too sensitive on the inside my skin is just tough so no one ever see the lashes of pain, its seeps immediately through to my insides and lurks there for days or weeks or months at a time. Not much i can do about it but whine.

Today

I'm going for more ink.

Quaint

today is such an odd day, an odd feeling. I'm going to sign the witness papers for my best friend to get hitched this afternoon. I'm pretty sure that's whats making me feel so uneasy..but then again there's a lot of other things to consider. I dont know what else to say i just feel odd