Where is home?

That was terribly, horribly, awkward. I just want to sit down and cry. Or run to my mom or dad for comfort like a child, but my parents are most of the delusional problem... My oldest brother has always been a sarcastic ass hole when its appropriate and inappropriate. That on top of the fact that he and my dad hadn't spoken for two years ruined my whole night. I was so excited. Why does being a functional family have to be so dramatic, why can't everyone just forgive and forget, you're not suppose to have a grudge against your dad. I've forgiven my dad I guess.. I mean I just can't think about our issues we use to have between each other it would be too hard..or the issues that go on between him and his kids. I think he tries I mean he's a guy you have to give him credit he does try. It just sucks when I have to be jealous when I see him with interacting with other kids in a way he never has with me or my siblings. Anyway tonight was disaster. My poor baby cousin sam who's only two and so innocent was pretty much the ice breaker everytime there was that 5 minutes of awkward silence when no one would talk. You could have cut the tension with a butter knife. I'm starved of affection. At least I have him to go home to, and my bestfriend. I'm so afraid of missing my mom but at the same time she's not who she use to be and she knows it. I want to say I want to go home but I don't even know what home is anymore, I don't have anything comforting to look forward too. It it wasn't for Seabear I don't know what I'd be. Suicidal? I honestly don't know. Like I've come to the realization... ill always be living in that fantasy world just like the stupid divorce couping class said.. Ill always wish and hope for my dad and my family to be back together again, stable happy and loved.

Road trip 12/20/08

We left at 12:50. My dad got in early this morning and we're finally on the way to Utah. I loved it at one point in my life, my life was good there, OUR lives were good there. Our house was amazing, our relationship with each other and our extended family was beautiful and now everything is torn into little tiny pieces and traces of what we use to be.
I hate how rushed everyone is here when they're driving, I definitely notice more since I am a driver but in las vegas its just ridiculous. We past our first sign
Salt lake City 401 miles to go

My Christmas Wish List

1. To be Happy, & drama free
2. a new phone?
3. money for more tattoos
4. the new Killers CD
5. London scarf (check)
6. Clothes

hmm I dont know what else i want :/

Faith and distrust

I finally give in only to immediately regret my foolish decision. You will never lust only me, your mind will always be millions of miles away secretly planning your next love affair. I don't understand it, unless its just of your nature for which I fear most, it is. I am everything you want and need, I make you more than happy. You chase me the second I become unavailable to you but as soon as I give in and give it my all, I loose your full attention. The only way to keep you obsessing over me is to keep my distance. So I'll keep ignoring your calls here and there, and I'll call you when you can hear my guy friends in the background. You know that others covet what you have, maybe they would be more grateful to have me in their possession. Maybe I should ignore it and play your game. Its a simple decision, I either let myself become attached...or I don't.

As it gets thicker

I'm so excited, i don't have words to explain it. I wish I could share this with everyone its so overwhelming. I'm so glad I'm here to see this right now. I wish my best friend was still here to see it, she would love it, its such an exciting thing.

Chinese food would be perfect right now. The best place ever was this little hole in the wall in Wisconsin. Surprisingly I've yet to find any place I love in Hawaii, its shadowed by the local and Japanese food and culture. Now I'm craving it really bad. I'm going to miss this so much when i go back to Hawaii. I'm so deprived of natures simple beauty living on an island. The beach has never really been my thing, I'm just one of those people happy to say they have ever gone. Life is about balance and there is nothing better than looking forward to the folding of winter into its crisp spring and then into the amazing smell of fall. Everything changes with the seasons and it gives life so much more variety. The weather changes and with the weather you have to change the way you dress, the things you eat, the activities you do. Island life is much too repetitive and its not for me. I need change and new things to look forward to. Don't get me wrong, Hawaii is a great place to vacation to or to grow up with since the locals don't know any better than the island life. I just looked out the window once again and everything has a blanket of pure white snow. What a lovely day it has turned out to be.

Bliss

I reside in Henderson Nevada, and it is snowing outside this very moment. I went out in my nothing but a tank top and shorts. I have not seen snow fall from the sky in over five years. It is the most beautiful thing i have witnessed since i have been here. I could sit outside in this blustery weather and watch is snow forever.

Annoyance

I am so bloody bored. and the little ball of energy sitting next to me on the couch is on his 3rd bag of chips crunching loudly in the silence of the night. mouth noises drive me insane. I'm trying oh so hard to be nice and not glare at him. I'm deathly bored. I have things to do but i do not want to do them. more crunching. I wish I could sleep. I don't want to be mean but hell what am i suppose to do? sit here and listen to it until i pull my hair out. ok i had to go to the other room. I'm getting kind of sick of this insomniac phase, soma is all too tempting right now. Hopefully when i go home starved of attention i dont regret my descion to kiss him. I miss my best friend so bad i wish she was here causing trouble with me.

Newest obession

So I got my first tattoo on December 13th. I've been in love since and cant wait to get more. Hopefully for my birthday which is the 27th of this month. I want to sketch out some flowers and put them behind the skull which will be the base of my sleeve some day. Britt got an anchor on her wrist a few days before me. Jesse was great and a super cool guy. I knew I was going to be addicted, Jesse even said I had the look of addiction in my eyes and he was right. Tattoos are of our generation, and I love seeing them on other people, they're so beautiul each in their own indiviual way as are the people who get them.

As of now, and from now on

This is my very first blog. My head is bloated with much overwhelming thoughts of everything I should say right now, though I wont, but I have always wanted to make one of these, just never invested the time to figure out how. It is almost Christmas and I reside on a bed in my sisters room in the City of Sins with a plate of snowballs in my lap. My heart is aching for some affection but I have not decided on where to go looking for it yet. Well I plan on playing around with this more later