Where is home?

That was terribly, horribly, awkward. I just want to sit down and cry. Or run to my mom or dad for comfort like a child, but my parents are most of the delusional problem... My oldest brother has always been a sarcastic ass hole when its appropriate and inappropriate. That on top of the fact that he and my dad hadn't spoken for two years ruined my whole night. I was so excited. Why does being a functional family have to be so dramatic, why can't everyone just forgive and forget, you're not suppose to have a grudge against your dad. I've forgiven my dad I guess.. I mean I just can't think about our issues we use to have between each other it would be too hard..or the issues that go on between him and his kids. I think he tries I mean he's a guy you have to give him credit he does try. It just sucks when I have to be jealous when I see him with interacting with other kids in a way he never has with me or my siblings. Anyway tonight was disaster. My poor baby cousin sam who's only two and so innocent was pretty much the ice breaker everytime there was that 5 minutes of awkward silence when no one would talk. You could have cut the tension with a butter knife. I'm starved of affection. At least I have him to go home to, and my bestfriend. I'm so afraid of missing my mom but at the same time she's not who she use to be and she knows it. I want to say I want to go home but I don't even know what home is anymore, I don't have anything comforting to look forward too. It it wasn't for Seabear I don't know what I'd be. Suicidal? I honestly don't know. Like I've come to the realization... ill always be living in that fantasy world just like the stupid divorce couping class said.. Ill always wish and hope for my dad and my family to be back together again, stable happy and loved.