The Shelf Life of an Egoistic

what happy new year

2012-01-02T10:02:00.000-08:00

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

Could it be worse?

With Eyes Wide Shut

2011-10-12T16:49:00.001-07:00

I have a Shovel.
I dig the deepest holes of my heart.
I pack them full of Dirt
the hardest dirt I can find
to bury the hurt
to hide the pain
to mask the feelings of missing them
So I can go on, so I can pretend to function, so I can brave another gruesome day in the face
I pretend to stand up to my own fears and go on
but it feels as though I've no feet and its hard to stand alone

like cuts that heal to scares, these holes fill up with dirt
the surface now only looking distorted
the pain sometimes fading with time
but always there
a constant reminder
tears biting at the seams
eyes stitched shut to keep them from crying out

sometimes I feel 16 years old again
the pain i feel is so fresh like i just heard my parents fighting again
I feel so juvenile to feel this much pain all over again
but you will never understand what its like
the situation never got better so its going to hurt as much as it does today
as the day it happened because I'm not over it and neither are they
and still like the day I was a 16 year old and she was a 13 year old and he was a 10 year old
I'm constantly wishing, we constantly wish we were a family again

I wrote this Dec. 19 2008

2010-01-28T22:43:00.000-08:00

Damn I'm such a good writer. I should use this in a slam

When Two becomes 1

I kissed the girl
As if to say goodbye
TwiceWith her eyes closed shut
Clever she thought it
Knowing more or perhaps less
Than he had assumed
How hurt do you want to be
Her words spoke aloud
My silence betrays me
I watch her head float away
Leaving absence in its place
Bombs were sounding in the near distance
I was trying not to be frustrated
Of the persistant alarms
Until I fell quickly
Into realization that at all costs
I had just lost her completely
Franticly I bathed her taste in the dirt
Grit staining my teeth
My faithful hands empting my pockets
of the flowers she had refused
Surrounding me the smell of smoke was intising
Tonight the smoldering earth was
A brillant translucent green
I couldn't resist watching the city blaze
Even if I were against that sort of thing

You have to be the change in your life

2009-02-05T13:42:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure who that quote is by but today I'm going to do as it says.
I'm taking Seanna to the beach for her first time.
First we have to go get her a swim suit, but we're finally going to the beach.. alone because no one ever wants to go or bails on me. I'm looking forward to it.
If you want your life to change, you have to be the chang in your life
I'll post picture tonight

blood shot eyes

2009-02-05T01:24:00.000-08:00

im going to pop an ambien and try to sleep this head cold away. If he calls tell him im out piss drunk falling all over some other dude

wake me when its over..life i mean

2009-02-04T23:36:00.000-08:00

why cant I use my depression for something better/other than being depressed. Being depressed sometimes helps me write with more flavors but why cant I want to clean like crazy when I'm depressed, or put it to some other usefulness. why why why why why. Why doesn't he know that I'm here depressed crying and part of the reason is because of him, because he's out, at a club for god sakes, while he's trying to make me impressed or jealous or whatever the hell he's purposely doing to make my stomach sick, my stomach is already sick, I'm already jealous but I'm definitely not impressed. I'm hurting, I'm hurting because of you. You you you you you I'm the victim of your abuse. Normally I heal my cuts and my once tough skin is tough again and then my depression warps to anger in my only defense, being strong. But tonight the depression isn't subsiding. So I'll listen to sad music to arouse sad feelings and after my tears with follow. My life is too predicatble and I think thats what wrong right now. wow.. I just figured it out. If he'd kiss my lips, I'd taste your mouth

Today

2009-02-02T00:09:00.000-08:00

I took seanna to the park today for her first time and she very quickly decided that she was not very fond of the grass

"sigh"

2009-02-01T15:31:00.000-08:00

I am so bored.
and dissatisfied, and frustrated with everyone pretty much! I'm loosing my bestfriend to her stupid marriage because she doesn't know how to stand up for our friendship or HERSELF! Him, always trying to make me jealous and I'm fucking sick of it. I hate Hawaii so so so so much. MY friends are all growing distant and I'm feeling even more alone than i had before. I'm starting to develop a problem with spending money because its like something I control and am in charge of . I need a job i really do...no i dont need anything I'm completely content. No I'm not. I'm tired of being so tough, why cant someone just condole me. My life is just going to keep being disappointed unless i do something bout it but no one else wants to make an effort either like hanging out with old friends. You cant just tell them you want to hang out they have to show up or call or text so you can hang out. Grrrrr I hate this chapter in my life right now

Dr. Pepper

2009-02-01T04:55:00.000-08:00

Has evolved into many great things over the years, such as its flavored being screwed around with like when they introduced Cherry Vanilla Dr pepper when i personally think they only invent the new flavors particularly for the Diet drinkers to disguise the bitter taste of diet soda. But recently for the people who are soda drinkers they out did themselves again. Meet the monster of all Dr. Peppers. Yes that's right 16oz of fizzy goodness. I was quite amazed myself when i saw this because my baby sister and I had been conversing about a week before we discovered this saying that they should make a larger can of soda like the size of the Arizona green teas or an energy and thus they heard out wishes from the Dr. pepper heavens (like other numerous times involving other random subjects) and the most soda was out a few weeks later. With still yes the same amazing and individual 23 rocking flavors that get me through my roughest days. This is sure to take care of your lagging caffeine supply if you just so happen to be running short or need that instant fix. I think this is a rather generous amount of Dr. pepper but Ive also been in that situation before where one can just wasn't enough, so this nifty invention did have me pleased. Its also pretty cute if you ask me. I've been a devoted DP drinker since i can remember i just sometimes prefer something different depending on what I'm eating. Monster energy drink did try to outdo them by making a like 32oz can which is just ridiculous, I'm not sure who would want to drink so much of such a substance as that. The only 32oz i can handle is Power-C Vitamin water but nothing else. Well evidently it is now 3:18 am and I've got my weekly does of insomnia. I was going to take ambien just for the fun of it but I'm pretty sure it would just knock me out cold and probably good into the morning too. Anyway I had been meaning to put this blog up for weeks the pictures are even old so I'm glad I've had my attack of insomnia. Although this is really something i wanted to keep up to date to have one day to look back on. I love writing, but it takes a good heart ache or a good lovin to get me really really writing...or i just have to be willing to do so and open my heart and let it be vulnerable to all things in its way, which i almost always already feel that way without even allowing myself to be or without being willing, I'm just too sensitive on the inside my skin is just tough so no one ever see the lashes of pain, its seeps immediately through to my insides and lurks there for days or weeks or months at a time. Not much i can do about it but whine.

Today

2009-01-17T12:46:00.000-08:00

I'm going for more ink.

Quaint

2009-01-14T13:03:00.000-08:00

today is such an odd day, an odd feeling. I'm going to sign the witness papers for my best friend to get hitched this afternoon. I'm pretty sure that's whats making me feel so uneasy..but then again there's a lot of other things to consider. I dont know what else to say i just feel odd

Where is home?

2008-12-20T23:19:00.000-08:00

That was terribly, horribly, awkward. I just want to sit down and cry. Or run to my mom or dad for comfort like a child, but my parents are most of the delusional problem... My oldest brother has always been a sarcastic ass hole when its appropriate and inappropriate. That on top of the fact that he and my dad hadn't spoken for two years ruined my whole night. I was so excited. Why does being a functional family have to be so dramatic, why can't everyone just forgive and forget, you're not suppose to have a grudge against your dad. I've forgiven my dad I guess.. I mean I just can't think about our issues we use to have between each other it would be too hard..or the issues that go on between him and his kids. I think he tries I mean he's a guy you have to give him credit he does try. It just sucks when I have to be jealous when I see him with interacting with other kids in a way he never has with me or my siblings. Anyway tonight was disaster. My poor baby cousin sam who's only two and so innocent was pretty much the ice breaker everytime there was that 5 minutes of awkward silence when no one would talk. You could have cut the tension with a butter knife. I'm starved of affection. At least I have him to go home to, and my bestfriend. I'm so afraid of missing my mom but at the same time she's not who she use to be and she knows it. I want to say I want to go home but I don't even know what home is anymore, I don't have anything comforting to look forward too. It it wasn't for Seabear I don't know what I'd be. Suicidal? I honestly don't know. Like I've come to the realization... ill always be living in that fantasy world just like the stupid divorce couping class said.. Ill always wish and hope for my dad and my family to be back together again, stable happy and loved.

Road trip 12/20/08

2008-12-20T12:55:00.000-08:00

We left at 12:50. My dad got in early this morning and we're finally on the way to Utah. I loved it at one point in my life, my life was good there, OUR lives were good there. Our house was amazing, our relationship with each other and our extended family was beautiful and now everything is torn into little tiny pieces and traces of what we use to be.
I hate how rushed everyone is here when they're driving, I definitely notice more since I am a driver but in las vegas its just ridiculous. We past our first sign
Salt lake City 401 miles to go

My Christmas Wish List

2008-12-19T00:23:00.000-08:00

To be Happy, & drama free
a new phone?
money for more tattoos
the new Killers CD
London scarf (check)
Clothes

hmm I dont know what else i want :/

Faith and distrust

2008-12-19T00:04:00.000-08:00

I finally give in only to immediately regret my foolish decision. You will never lust only me, your mind will always be millions of miles away secretly planning your next love affair. I don't understand it, unless its just of your nature for which I fear most, it is. I am everything you want and need, I make you more than happy. You chase me the second I become unavailable to you but as soon as I give in and give it my all, I loose your full attention. The only way to keep you obsessing over me is to keep my distance. So I'll keep ignoring your calls here and there, and I'll call you when you can hear my guy friends in the background. You know that others covet what you have, maybe they would be more grateful to have me in their possession. Maybe I should ignore it and play your game. Its a simple decision, I either let myself become attached...or I don't.

As it gets thicker

2008-12-17T13:31:00.001-08:00

I'm so excited, i don't have words to explain it. I wish I could share this with everyone its so overwhelming. I'm so glad I'm here to see this right now. I wish my best friend was still here to see it, she would love it, its such an exciting thing.

Chinese food would be perfect right now. The best place ever was this little hole in the wall in Wisconsin. Surprisingly I've yet to find any place I love in Hawaii, its shadowed by the local and Japanese food and culture. Now I'm craving it really bad. I'm going to miss this so much when i go back to Hawaii. I'm so deprived of natures simple beauty living on an island. The beach has never really been my thing, I'm just one of those people happy to say they have ever gone. Life is about balance and there is nothing better than looking forward to the folding of winter into its crisp spring and then into the amazing smell of fall. Everything changes with the seasons and it gives life so much more variety. The weather changes and with the weather you have to change the way you dress, the things you eat, the activities you do. Island life is much too repetitive and its not for me. I need change and new things to look forward to. Don't get me wrong, Hawaii is a great place to vacation to or to grow up with since the locals don't know any better than the island life. I just looked out the window once again and everything has a blanket of pure white snow. What a lovely day it has turned out to be.

Bliss

2008-12-17T12:15:00.000-08:00

I reside in Henderson Nevada, and it is snowing outside this very moment. I went out in my nothing but a tank top and shorts. I have not seen snow fall from the sky in over five years. It is the most beautiful thing i have witnessed since i have been here. I could sit outside in this blustery weather and watch is snow forever.

Annoyance

2008-12-16T22:09:00.000-08:00

I am so bloody bored. and the little ball of energy sitting next to me on the couch is on his 3rd bag of chips crunching loudly in the silence of the night. mouth noises drive me insane. I'm trying oh so hard to be nice and not glare at him. I'm deathly bored. I have things to do but i do not want to do them. more crunching. I wish I could sleep. I don't want to be mean but hell what am i suppose to do? sit here and listen to it until i pull my hair out. ok i had to go to the other room. I'm getting kind of sick of this insomniac phase, soma is all too tempting right now. Hopefully when i go home starved of attention i dont regret my descion to kiss him. I miss my best friend so bad i wish she was here causing trouble with me.

Newest obession

2008-12-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

So I got my first tattoo on December 13th. I've been in love since and cant wait to get more. Hopefully for my birthday which is the 27th of this month. I want to sketch out some flowers and put them behind the skull which will be the base of my sleeve some day. Britt got an anchor on her wrist a few days before me. Jesse was great and a super cool guy. I knew I was going to be addicted, Jesse even said I had the look of addiction in my eyes and he was right. Tattoos are of our generation, and I love seeing them on other people, they're so beautiul each in their own indiviual way as are the people who get them.

As of now, and from now on

2008-12-15T21:11:00.000-08:00

This is my very first blog. My head is bloated with much overwhelming thoughts of everything I should say right now, though I wont, but I have always wanted to make one of these, just never invested the time to figure out how. It is almost Christmas and I reside on a bed in my sisters room in the City of Sins with a plate of snowballs in my lap. My heart is aching for some affection but I have not decided on where to go looking for it yet. Well I plan on playing around with this more later